Monday, 6 August 2007

A Russian, a fast black a melon, an a memory

A herd the taxi pull up ootside ma place, way the usual comotion.

Okasana "Sveetie open the gate, I`m here, I`m here!!!. Bonnie, Bonnie come here. Daling I miss you very much. mmmmmmmoo!!" It had only bin 4 or 5 days since a had seen her.

Me "How are ye hen, ye look great", we wir awe inside an a locked the gate an the door. The wee dug wis birlin awe aroon the place its wee tail waggin, ears flappin and barkin its wee lungs oot.

Oksana "ah Bonnie she love you very much daling, looka I bring Vodka and this, it OK?" Oot of her small blue handbag she pulled a melon, ah thot tae ma sel, threes a crowd. Well she wisnae exactly a wee wummin if ye know whit ah mean!

Me "Rite git up the stairs the pair a yeese, an make yer sels a hame as usual, av goat sum watter fur wee Bonnie! Ah dont huv tae ask you if ye want a drink tea ah!"

Oksana "Fuck You!" It wis her usual toast an like every russian ah hid ever known she ment it, the wee darlin.

She didnae know it but she aye brot back an old memory, fra a long time ago, tae me. Ah hid left France, aye thats rite ah left France, an a thot I wid wander north as the fancy took me. Ah eventually ended up in East Germany, it wis called Prussia in they days, in a wee toon called Stettin. Well as wis wanderin aroon gettin ma bearins, when ah bumped intae this wee burd called Sophie. Well we fell fur each uther rite away, she wis like a wee ripe fig jist waitin tae be peeled open, an ah wis rite up fur it. We managed tae keep the hole thing under wraps fur a good bit, but eventually the family goat wind ah whit wis happenin, an packed her aff tae Russia. Ah wis lucky tae leg it oantae a boat in the harbour that wis jist aboot tae leave. As a jumped oan the skipper said "wher ye goin pal?" "wherever you ur big man" ah said.
"Well yer goin tae Scoatland then, awe rite. Ye better git doon the stairs an get that fancy suit aff an earn yer grub wee man"
We landed at Leeth an a wrote her a letter. We hud worked oot a secret way ah keepin in touch way each uther.
A wee while later a goat a letter back frae hur, they hud changed hur name tae Cathie and she wis jist aboot tae get married aff tae some big shot in a toon called St Petersburg. Ah hud a we lump in ma craw when ah read that bit ah the letter. But we kept up way the letters over the years, ah huv still goat hurs tae me, an she kept me up wae awe the public an private stuff she wis up tae over there.
Christ a still miss her a wee bit ye know
Cathie wis great, christ did she know how tae ride a horse, some oh the stories aboot her and horses, that she told me aboot. They jist don`t make wummin like that anymer, well no very often.

Rearing Horse Leonardo da Vinci

Ma wee pal Oksana draps by

12.01 AM saturday ma mobie rings, "ring, ring!!!!!"

Me "Hullo"

"Sveetie how are yooo, what you doing" Its Oksana ma wee russian pal.

Me "Nuttin much, how you doin?"

Oksana "You at puter, you answer phone fast. Oooh am fine. Daling you know what. I Come visit you, you got wine?

Me "Aye awrite, but ave only goat the wan boatil. Its that wan ah had pit by fur yer birthday last month, before that pal oh yoors scudded ye an kyboshed the whole thing. Its a 2003 La Rouillere Rose Shampane that a get af ma pal Billie fur no a lot a dosh. Its aw a huv in the flat rite noo that an a wee bit a blaw>"

Oksana "Ok! Sveetie we will come soon" She wis bringin the wee dug. Its name wis Bonnie, reminded me of a prince a wance hung aboot wi fur a while. But thats another storie

Ah stopped doodlin quite a few years ago, ah just got bored, ah hid dun it aw anyhow.
But if ah wis tae dae a photie of wee Oksane noo then it wid be alang the lines a this wan a did a while back. Its no much like her granted, but its got a wee dug.
Mebbie a jist like wummin wae dugs.

La dama con Lermellino Leonardo da Vinci

icniV ad odraneoL m`I olleH

Christ! a better stop daein that, yoose ill no understaun a word ah whit am writin
Av been aroun a long time noo, an that bam Broon, wrote a lot ah shite aboot me so ah thot a better set the record strate.
Yes! amur a GENIUS, but its no ma fault!
Its bloody tuff bein` a genius al tell ye!, an thats fur sure.
Al gie ye a wee example.
Last week I tried tae get a job wi TESCO packin shelves at nite (a thot weil a cannie sleep anyway so a might as well dae sumpthin.)
A goat a letter back the day frae there "Human Resourses Manager" (cum oan they sell pigs, they don`t employ them dae they!)



Thank you for your recent application for a position with our company.
Unfortunately at this moment in time we have a full compliment of staff in all of our Glasgow stores and are unable to offer you a post at present.
Please feel free to apply to us in the future.

yours sincerley

Bob Mycock Human Resources Manager
TESCO an Equal Opportunity Company

The Prick coudnae even spell ma name rite (ok so ah probably wrote the letter backwards, habit ae lifetime a guess)
Bit it wis ma third reject this week,

ASDA .....We regret......
Royal Infirmary.... cleaning is an arduous job...a man of your years.....

Well a guess its back tae ma pigeons fur a while!!!!
Hey! dae ye think the prick looked like this....

Anatomy of a Male Nude Leonardo da Vinci