Haw wee man whit ur ye tawkin like this fur

Whin ah legged it frae France, a figured it wid be a guid idea tae sorta merge in. So whereever ave stayed over the years, ah huv taken oan the accent, even if only fur a cupple ah weeks. Ah even dae it durin the Glesga Fair Fortnight whin a go oan wan ah ma holidays abroad. Av fund it keeps pryin eyes shut longer, if ye know whit ah mean.
Ah can go intae any pub in Glesca an huv a good time either wae ma sel ur punters that ah just happen tae meet over a pint or two.
Ah mean tae say, am a Tallie by birth, but by lifestyle ah suppose am a internationalist. Itchy feet by necessity. Paul Simon summed me up well, "Diamonds on the soles of ma shoes". An a huv, a made them ma sel.

We ur oan the sofa an the dugs in ma kip

Wee Bonnie battered aroun the livin room fur a while and then birled strate intae my bed, as she always diz.
Ah hid doonloaded some Russian disco music fur Oksana an she wiz in hur element booncin aboot wae a gless a wine in wah haun an a bit ah blaw in the other. An ah jist sat back an watched the floor show. Bit eventually she settled doon beside me oan the sofa and asked me how were tricks.
Well ah told hur aboot ma nock backs an ah wished ah hidnae.
"Fucking east europeans, fucking EEC making it too easy for them to come over here taking our jobs. I sorry to say Stalin too soft on them at end of big war. And weather here shit, I no have worn my open leg finger shoes or skirt this year. I also try for Royal Hospital and get knock back also. Friend tell me it full with fukin Poles, why they no go to Siberia it plenty empty"

Ah wis a bit oot ah ma box by this time, but ah thot "Christ!whit a different political climate we ur gonnae huv in ten or fifteen years time!"

"I go sleep now" Oksana muttered a wee bit the wurse fur wear. She smiled as she said it, a wee bit like Mona only different. Ah wiz nearly tempted tae gie hir sum ah the elixir, but ah stopped ma self, wan Mona oan the planet wiz enough.

Leonardo da Vinci Mona Lisa

Roomurs of ma death

Roomurs of ma death huv been greatly eggzadurated, as yuv nae dout cum tae realise.
Rite am gonnae dae this real quik.
Early on in ma life a realised that if ye didnae eat yeed live longer, a lot longer! Ah also noticed that a lot ah really auld guys wir bevvy merchants an a mean users, rite! Then ah noticed that legend had it that some trees were a couple ah thoosand years auld.
So a came up way a plan. Nooadays yoose wid call it a Healthy Livin Plan. Ah jist called it "Am Naw Gaun Any Where".
Efter usin it fur about ten years, punters started tae sort ah notice. Phrases like "Hey wee man your hoddin up well fur yir years", started tae get right on ma tits.
So ah started tae wear, well sorta makeup, naw a wisnae a bum boy,a grew ma hair really long stopped combing in the morning an wore auld mens gear.
Way a bit ah luck ah hid goat ma sel a bit a ah international reputation, so ah wis able to keep on the move an sorta keep the secret, well ah wis still pittin it thru product trials, before ah lauched in the market place.
Thir wis only wan problem, an that wis in the sack.
Think aboot it, yer a young up an cummin bird, ye spot an old dude way a couple ah quid, whit better investment eh! So ye drag him intae the sack tae show him a good time, thinkin itill be over in 20 seconds an three days later he`s still slammin intae ye. Well al tell ye the word soon spread, thir wir days a coudnae get doon the driveway ah ma vinyard fur aw the carriages full ah young birds wantin a bit ah ma action, it wis scarey.
Ah thot tae ma sel "Fuck this fur a game a sojurs". A tried tae stop usin it but a coudnae, ah really coudnae. Ah had become a bloody junkie tae the stuff, ah had developed a lust fur life. So a jist kept oan the moove.
Well tae cut a long story short ah ended up stayin wae a pal ah mine called Frankie who had a gaff in France at the time, ah had met him in Milan when he had moved there a couple ah years before an we became good pals.
It wis time tae shift an france looked like a good place tae dissapear frae.
Ah think the clincher wis big Vasari wan day saein tae me, "yer lookin great fur yer age wee man how dae ye dae it".
Fur years ah hid been makin money faster than ah could spend it, an ahd planked a fair bit away frae pryin eyes in a place called Antwerp an it wis near france, so ah made ma plans tae dissapear. Ah hud a will drawn up fur a couple ah years leaving a hauf ah ma properties tae ma good pal Sal and a stuck in a wee paintin a hud done a ah wummin called Mona that ah hud had a fling way fur a while. Christ wis she hot. A still see her frae time tae time, shes livin up in the north ah glasgow in a place called Rid Road, shes a bit doon oan her luck but shes goat a nice wee flat up there and a wee part time cleanin job in a hospital. An shes still goat a crakin smile.

So ah went an died, ah wiz 67 years auld, wae the health ah a 20 year auld, how long wid it last ah didna know. Ah waved goodbye tae france an hello tae ra future

Leonardo Da Vinci, Amboise, France