Leonardo da Vinci ma life so far

hello

2011-07-28T06:01:00.001-07:00

Well a niver!. Am ur amazed, an flummoxed

2008-08-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

Heer dae yoose know whit huz jist happened tae me.
A huv jist been contacted by a wee burd frae Thailand, an a huv a funnie feelin thit she could be ma great great grand daughter, so she could
Ah know, a know, but its a lang storie so it is!!!
A hud been travellin awe aroon the wurld fur a bit. Glesca hud become a bit depressin durin the Depression awe the 1920`s so a sub let ma hoose in the Trongate, got ma sel a aroon the wurld ticket frae St Enoch`s Station an legged it oota Glesca.
A knew in ma bones thit the wurld wiz ghangin rapidlie an a wanted tae huv a look aroon before it changed.

Time Travel

2007-11-06T03:51:00.000-08:00

As yeese awe no, av hud ma fingers intae awe sorts a things ower the years. A jist luv tinkerin wae things.
Weil wan a thay things wis time travel.
A hud thot aboot it in Stettin jist before a hud tae leg it oota there.
Bit whin a arrived in Glesca, weil a think the environment inspired me tae dae sumfin aboot it.
So a sterted tae think aboot it an a sterted tae look aroon fur clues.
An then awe uv a sudden they sterted tae appear thik an fast.
A suddenly realised that thur wur people rite here in Glesca thit wur daein it awe the time.
Christ a hud been daein it masel an a diddnae even no.
Ma very furst clue wiz in The Sarrie Heid Bar.
A wiz in ther wan nite an thur wiz a boy asleep at wan a the benches. Efter a wee bit he woke up.
"Where um a, whit day is it", he said oot loud.
"Its thursday big man", sumbody shouted tae him.
"Whit!!, that cannae be rite, an only came in here hauf an hour ago, its Munday ya stupit eejit, kin yoo no tell the time!"
"Naw ya muppit, hees right it is thursday", hauf a the pub shouted wae lafter.
Next minite the boy gits up an storms oot a the pub lookin really confused.
A wiz curious, a asked if anybody hud sen him cum in oan the Munday. Bit thay awe said, naw weer jist in no long. "Thats weird" a thot tae masel
Any way ower the cummin weeks a started tae notice mer an mer people frae awe walks a life, men an wummin alike, huvin the same experience.
A hud tae investigate further.
So a sterted ta hing aroon pubs.
A wid go in oan the monday clok the punters and go back oan a thursday tae see whit wans hid been affected. An sum time a noticed thut thur coud be hole gangs a punters experiencin the same thing.
Bit whit wiz the common factor a thot tae masel.
Bit ye cannie whak observation an soon a noticed that they hud tae a man awe been bevvin on the monday.
That wiz it, alcohol! Well it wiz obvious whin a thot aboot it. Efter awe it wis pairt a ma elixir a Life. Whit did a no think awe it before.
So a thot ad gie it a shot ma sel tae assess the effects and whit happened tae ye.
So the next monday a went tae The Sarrie Heid Bar, and goat masel utterly an totally pissed oot a ma brains.
Weil ye kin consider ma suprise whin a woke up ther the followin monday.
A hud dun it ma sel, a hud travelled in time.
The first side effect a noticed wiz a sore heid, the next wan wiz that a hid pisshed ma pants. Bit the last wan goat me thinkin. Ma muny wiz gone. Noo whit caused that a thot.
Then a remembered whit yon boy jesus hid said, " Yee cannie take it wae ye", so thats whit he meant.
Ower the next weeks a repeated the experiment, clyinically a must say, an the same thing happened agin and agin and agin.
Everytime the same effect an every time nae muny.
Bit every time a noticed thit a only went forward, how dae ye go back the way a sterted thinkin.
So fur the past number awe years av been experimintin extensively an keepin ma eyes open whin a see uther people stertin tae time travel. So far a huvnae seen anybody travel back the way yit, an neether huv a.
Ye se a thot a hid an idea fur a wee business opportunity, Time Travel Bars, whur ye coud go back in time an sort oot ur enemies, ur apologise tae that burd that ye nearly hud up yon close, an loads u uther things. An go forward is well tae see whur ye mite go wrang an sort it before it happens.
Weil a figure av hud tae ditch the idea, its frot wae danger, an wance yuv goan forward ye cannie go back, an if ye go forward in time yur mer thin likely huv tae leave awe yur muny behind, an yur job wull no exist anymer either. the nunber a times a noticed yon happin is legion.
So a figure time travel is best left alane. Its frot wae danger, an shood only be dun if ye figure that yoo huv nuttin tae loose.

effin` bloodly Last Supper, Sorry av been away

2007-10-28T03:23:00.000-07:00

But av been gettin fair fed up way awe the bloody attention this Last Supper things gettin on the bloody infernal net.
Ah mean tae say, it wiz just meant tae be a temporary job an ah hud tae dae it in wan helluva hurry is well.
Budjet, whit budjet!!!. Thur wisnae enough dosh in it tae hire models tae dae awe the poses.
Al tell ye, if it wisnae fur wee Mona kippin up wae me that week, the job widnae ah been dun at awe.
Ah wiz stormin aroon in a panic, if ah didnae dae the job, ah knew the bastard wid huv me killed, an awe cause he wiz to stingy tae buy sum drapes fur that wa.

Ah still mind his partin wurds that day, "Haw wee man ah no yer up fur it, yeel git the job dun oan time, ur else."........ The effin bastard!

Then wee Mona piped up fae under ma duvet,
"Hey big man, nae wurries, al pose fur ye!, OUCH!! ma bone is still sore. See you ya bugger, every time we huv a nite ah reckless drunken passion how cum ah aye waken up way a throbbin bone , an yoor OK ?"......... I think she wiz still a bit pissed fae the night before koz she`d still be groanin aboot that bone fur hours yit!

"Ur yoo daft wummin, wan ah the figures in the pantin is Christ, ah cannae dae Christ wae tits, ur yoo stupit ur sumptin. An then thurs that guy Judas an his bag ah silver. Wuv nae money that ah kin draw fae!!!", ah ranted, ah really wiz in a panic.

"Naaw!!! Big man, its awe rite, al wear a big smok an thatl hide thum. An as fur the money yeeve still goat sum oh that foil that ye made, whits it cauldt? Allicante, naw thats where we hud that three in a bed dirty weekend wae ma sister.
Uv goat the name oh the stuff noo, Alcan , thats whit ye called it. Thurs sum oh it rolled up over at the hearth, mind ye wrapped that chicken in it before ah cooked it last nite, it wiz pure dead brilliant by the way! Ye could cut that up fur imitation muny."

"Mona darlin` yer an effin star, doll!" ah said. " Ah mean if yur up fur it hen, weed better git startd rite away. Its gonnae be a rite bit ah hard graft doll, an that bone ah yoors, is it still sore?.
Listen am sorry aboot the bone hen, but yoo wur the wan that kept shoutin; dont stap ya bastard, slam it intae me, HARDER HARDER!"

"Oh aye an by the bye, yoor no the only wan in pain, yoo dug yer nails that hard intae ma arse last nite that ye drew blood, ah kin hardly sit doon the noo, an the uther ends rid raw."....... We musta looked a rite sorry site the pair a us, a mean we wur both still schmecked fae the nite before.

"Naw big man dont git me rang, it wis pure majik as usual last nite. Ye know ah dont no whur yoo get yer stamina frae. Ah mean tae say, ah ran oot aw fingers an toes countin they things ah huv, whit is that yoo caw thim?, organizms, is that it. Ah mind just as ah passed oot wae the last wan, a remember ah herd that cock crow, and yoo wur still bangin away. Nae wunder the pair a us ur sore.. Here you!!!!!!, ah hope yood stopped before he came in this mornin, al no be able tae look him in the face again if yoo wur still at it." Mona hud a wee look a concern oan hur face as she said it.

"Well hen, ah hud stopped a wee bit before he turned up. Bit.............well ye see a wis still oan top a ye, just as he let himsel in an a jist managed tae git yer nails oot a both cheeks, jump oot a bed an toss the duvet over ye in time. Am sure he didnae clock that ye wur here, an if he did he didnae let oan."...........Ah wiz lyin, an am shure she knew, but she fund it excitin, ah cood tell by the look oan hur face as ah said it.
But no aboot the nails in ma arse, everytime ah tried tae stop, they nails wid dig in that bit harder, am sure she wiz oan auto pilot. Bit whits a man tae dae? ah tell ye.

Bit it took the pair a us the rest awe the day tae recover. So ah didnae get the preppin work fur the last supper started tae the next day. Aye an there wiz nae hanky panky that nite apart fae a wee kiss n cuddle. An Mona wiz up the next mornin before the cock, makin us a right binder of a breakfast. The pair oh us hit the deck runnin!!! She really wiz a star!!!
Al tell ye aboot hoo the pair a us painted it an ither time.
Personally ah think its hud its day awe the colours faded its fawin tae bits, an ah think they shood rip it doon an gee sumbody else a shot, aye an the rite money this time. Ah mean its no as if theyve no goat good foties is it!!!!!
But heres a fotie of it and ye can see the mess its in if ye clik oan that link thingie
THE LAST SUPPER

Av goat everythin ah need, Am an Artist ah Dont look back

2007-08-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Weil no very often. Regrets av had a few, bit no that many really. Av done pretty much whit av wanted tae do. But av managed tae dae things way a bit ah careful plannin alang the way. Av hud tae be careful at times but av aye done whit ah wanted, pretty much.
Av had ma share ah some crakkin we burds oer the years an we awe had great times an a good laugh the gither. Bit sooner ur later ah wid aye huv a wee tear in ma eye. Ah miss every blessed bit ah every wan ah them lassies so a dae. Bit ma live goes oan so it duz, it jist keeps goain oan. Regrets? Naw av met too many good people, a lot mer ah suppose thin ah really shood huv, bit thats the way it goes.
Av met some right bastards as well, but ah better git oot an dae sum shoppin fur ma tea the nite. Doon the stairs tae the White Eagle Polish Deli fur a sweet n sour loaf, then up tae the Fish Place fur a bit ah venison, Peckhams fur a couple a bottles ah red wine, back tae the hoose pit the venison caserol on settle doon wae a gless a wine an listen tae sum Keith Jarrett. Noo that wee buggers music always reminds me aw yon book by Hess, Das Glasperlenspiel fur some reason. See whit ye think yer self.

Keith Jarrett playing. Footage from "Keith Jarrett: Last Solo". Tokyo '84 Encore

Haw wee man whit ur ye tawkin like this fur

2007-08-07T04:34:00.001-07:00

Whin ah legged it frae France, a figured it wid be a guid idea tae sorta merge in. So whereever ave stayed over the years, ah huv taken oan the accent, even if only fur a cupple ah weeks. Ah even dae it durin the Glesga Fair Fortnight whin a go oan wan ah ma holidays abroad. Av fund it keeps pryin eyes shut longer, if ye know whit ah mean.
Ah can go intae any pub in Glesca an huv a good time either wae ma sel ur punters that ah just happen tae meet over a pint or two.
Ah mean tae say, am a Tallie by birth, but by lifestyle ah suppose am a internationalist. Itchy feet by necessity. Paul Simon summed me up well, "Diamonds on the soles of ma shoes". An a huv, a made them ma sel.

We ur oan the sofa an the dugs in ma kip

2007-08-07T04:20:00.000-07:00

Wee Bonnie battered aroun the livin room fur a while and then birled strate intae my bed, as she always diz.
Ah hid doonloaded some Russian disco music fur Oksana an she wiz in hur element booncin aboot wae a gless a wine in wah haun an a bit ah blaw in the other. An ah jist sat back an watched the floor show. Bit eventually she settled doon beside me oan the sofa and asked me how were tricks.
Well ah told hur aboot ma nock backs an ah wished ah hidnae.
"Fucking east europeans, fucking EEC making it too easy for them to come over here taking our jobs. I sorry to say Stalin too soft on them at end of big war. And weather here shit, I no have worn my open leg finger shoes or skirt this year. I also try for Royal Hospital and get knock back also. Friend tell me it full with fukin Poles, why they no go to Siberia it plenty empty"

Ah wis a bit oot ah ma box by this time, but ah thot "Christ!whit a different political climate we ur gonnae huv in ten or fifteen years time!"

"I go sleep now" Oksana muttered a wee bit the wurse fur wear. She smiled as she said it, a wee bit like Mona only different. Ah wiz nearly tempted tae gie hir sum ah the elixir, but ah stopped ma self, wan Mona oan the planet wiz enough.

Leonardo da Vinci Mona Lisa

Roomurs of ma death

2007-08-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

Roomurs of ma death huv been greatly eggzadurated, as yuv nae dout cum tae realise.
Rite am gonnae dae this real quik.
Early on in ma life a realised that if ye didnae eat yeed live longer, a lot longer! Ah also noticed that a lot ah really auld guys wir bevvy merchants an a mean users, rite! Then ah noticed that legend had it that some trees were a couple ah thoosand years auld.
So a came up way a plan. Nooadays yoose wid call it a Healthy Livin Plan. Ah jist called it "Am Naw Gaun Any Where".
Efter usin it fur about ten years, punters started tae sort ah notice. Phrases like "Hey wee man your hoddin up well fur yir years", started tae get right on ma tits.
So ah started tae wear, well sorta makeup, naw a wisnae a bum boy,a grew ma hair really long stopped combing in the morning an wore auld mens gear.
Way a bit ah luck ah hid goat ma sel a bit a ah international reputation, so ah wis able to keep on the move an sorta keep the secret, well ah wis still pittin it thru product trials, before ah lauched in the market place.
Thir wis only wan problem, an that wis in the sack.
Think aboot it, yer a young up an cummin bird, ye spot an old dude way a couple ah quid, whit better investment eh! So ye drag him intae the sack tae show him a good time, thinkin itill be over in 20 seconds an three days later he`s still slammin intae ye. Well al tell ye the word soon spread, thir wir days a coudnae get doon the driveway ah ma vinyard fur aw the carriages full ah young birds wantin a bit ah ma action, it wis scarey.
Ah thot tae ma sel "Fuck this fur a game a sojurs". A tried tae stop usin it but a coudnae, ah really coudnae. Ah had become a bloody junkie tae the stuff, ah had developed a lust fur life. So a jist kept oan the moove.
Well tae cut a long story short ah ended up stayin wae a pal ah mine called Frankie who had a gaff in France at the time, ah had met him in Milan when he had moved there a couple ah years before an we became good pals.
It wis time tae shift an france looked like a good place tae dissapear frae.
Ah think the clincher wis big Vasari wan day saein tae me, "yer lookin great fur yer age wee man how dae ye dae it".
Fur years ah hid been makin money faster than ah could spend it, an ahd planked a fair bit away frae pryin eyes in a place called Antwerp an it wis near france, so ah made ma plans tae dissapear. Ah hud a will drawn up fur a couple ah years leaving a hauf ah ma properties tae ma good pal Sal and a stuck in a wee paintin a hud done a ah wummin called Mona that ah hud had a fling way fur a while. Christ wis she hot. A still see her frae time tae time, shes livin up in the north ah glasgow in a place called Rid Road, shes a bit doon oan her luck but shes goat a nice wee flat up there and a wee part time cleanin job in a hospital. An shes still goat a crakin smile.

So ah went an died, ah wiz 67 years auld, wae the health ah a 20 year auld, how long wid it last ah didna know. Ah waved goodbye tae france an hello tae ra future

Leonardo Da Vinci, Amboise, France

A Russian, a fast black a melon, an a memory

2007-08-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

A herd the taxi pull up ootside ma place, way the usual comotion.

Okasana "Sveetie open the gate, I`m here, I`m here!!!. Bonnie, Bonnie come here. Daling I miss you very much. mmmmmmmoo!!" It had only bin 4 or 5 days since a had seen her.

Me "How are ye hen, ye look great", we wir awe inside an a locked the gate an the door. The wee dug wis birlin awe aroon the place its wee tail waggin, ears flappin and barkin its wee lungs oot.

Oksana "ah Bonnie she love you very much daling, looka I bring Vodka and this, it OK?" Oot of her small blue handbag she pulled a melon, ah thot tae ma sel, threes a crowd. Well she wisnae exactly a wee wummin if ye know whit ah mean!

Me "Rite git up the stairs the pair a yeese, an make yer sels a hame as usual, av goat sum watter fur wee Bonnie! Ah dont huv tae ask you if ye want a drink tea ah!"

Oksana "Fuck You!" It wis her usual toast an like every russian ah hid ever known she ment it, the wee darlin.

She didnae know it but she aye brot back an old memory, fra a long time ago, tae me. Ah hid left France, aye thats rite ah left France, an a thot I wid wander north as the fancy took me. Ah eventually ended up in East Germany, it wis called Prussia in they days, in a wee toon called Stettin. Well as wis wanderin aroon gettin ma bearins, when ah bumped intae this wee burd called Sophie. Well we fell fur each uther rite away, she wis like a wee ripe fig jist waitin tae be peeled open, an ah wis rite up fur it. We managed tae keep the hole thing under wraps fur a good bit, but eventually the family goat wind ah whit wis happenin, an packed her aff tae Russia. Ah wis lucky tae leg it oantae a boat in the harbour that wis jist aboot tae leave. As a jumped oan the skipper said "wher ye goin pal?" "wherever you ur big man" ah said.
"Well yer goin tae Scoatland then, awe rite. Ye better git doon the stairs an get that fancy suit aff an earn yer grub wee man"
We landed at Leeth an a wrote her a letter. We hud worked oot a secret way ah keepin in touch way each uther.
A wee while later a goat a letter back frae hur, they hud changed hur name tae Cathie and she wis jist aboot tae get married aff tae some big shot in a toon called St Petersburg. Ah hud a we lump in ma craw when ah read that bit ah the letter. But we kept up way the letters over the years, ah huv still goat hurs tae me, an she kept me up wae awe the public an private stuff she wis up tae over there.
Christ a still miss her a wee bit ye know
Cathie wis great, christ did she know how tae ride a horse, some oh the stories aboot her and horses, that she told me aboot. They jist don`t make wummin like that anymer, well no very often.

Rearing Horse Leonardo da Vinci

Ma wee pal Oksana draps by

2007-08-06T22:48:00.001-07:00

12.01 AM saturday ma mobie rings, "ring, ring!!!!!"

Me "Hullo"

"Sveetie how are yooo, what you doing" Its Oksana ma wee russian pal.

Me "Nuttin much, how you doin?"

Oksana "You at puter, you answer phone fast. Oooh am fine. Daling you know what. I Come visit you, you got wine?

Me "Aye awrite, but ave only goat the wan boatil. Its that wan ah had pit by fur yer birthday last month, before that pal oh yoors scudded ye an kyboshed the whole thing. Its a 2003 La Rouillere Rose Shampane that a get af ma pal Billie fur no a lot a dosh. Its aw a huv in the flat rite noo that an a wee bit a blaw>"

Oksana "Ok! Sveetie we will come soon" She wis bringin the wee dug. Its name wis Bonnie, reminded me of a prince a wance hung aboot wi fur a while. But thats another storie

Ah stopped doodlin quite a few years ago, ah just got bored, ah hid dun it aw anyhow.
But if ah wis tae dae a photie of wee Oksane noo then it wid be alang the lines a this wan a did a while back. Its no much like her granted, but its got a wee dug.
Mebbie a jist like wummin wae dugs.

La dama con Lermellino Leonardo da Vinci

icniV ad odraneoL m`I olleH

2007-08-06T22:47:00.001-07:00

Christ! a better stop daein that, yoose ill no understaun a word ah whit am writin
Av been aroun a long time noo, an that bam Broon, wrote a lot ah shite aboot me so ah thot a better set the record strate.
Yes! amur a GENIUS, but its no ma fault!
Its bloody tuff bein` a genius al tell ye!, an thats fur sure.
Al gie ye a wee example.
Last week I tried tae get a job wi TESCO packin shelves at nite (a thot weil a cannie sleep anyway so a might as well dae sumpthin.)
A goat a letter back the day frae there "Human Resourses Manager" (cum oan they sell pigs, they don`t employ them dae they!)

HERES WHIT IT SAID

Dear MR DAVINCI,

Thank you for your recent application for a position with our company.
Unfortunately at this moment in time we have a full compliment of staff in all of our Glasgow stores and are unable to offer you a post at present.
Please feel free to apply to us in the future.

yours sincerley

Bob Mycock Human Resources Manager
TESCO an Equal Opportunity Company

The Prick coudnae even spell ma name rite (ok so ah probably wrote the letter backwards, habit ae lifetime a guess)
Bit it wis ma third reject this week,

ASDA .....We regret......
Royal Infirmary.... cleaning is an arduous job...a man of your years.....

Well a guess its back tae ma pigeons fur a while!!!!
Hey! dae ye think the prick looked like this....

Anatomy of a Male Nude Leonardo da Vinci